Sambaza to MPesa

I am of the opinion that MJ and SafCom should allow us to convert Airtime into MPesa even if they discount the value i.e. 100bob airtime gets me 85bob MPesa.

What say you?

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double-0 SHAKEN - licensed to spill.

double-o SHAmeless KENyan - licensed to spill
This post was inspired by this one.

ImPEEnding doom
The urinal (hereinafter referred to as utube) and the ATM are distinctly alike in certain aspects. Both are self-service and the client is usually quite relieved and happy at the end of the encounter. They also share the commonality that depending on the size of the tank/bank balance, the distance between client and self-service varies. Those with small balances tend to hug the booth shutting out PEEping toms. In the case of the utube, if the cow has refused (aka hakuna ngata, water rationing or mteja squad) the client tries to hide this fact from the queue, coaxing and cajoling his member to coo-pee-rate. Those with big balances on the other hand can start transacting from afar, legs apart, chin up, the world at their feet.

Bone of Contention
So there’s a bunch of Kenyans (double-0 shaken) who rush to utube only to return with fresh batik at the front of their light coloured trousers AKA alias sign the dotted line/to be continued/…(dot dot dot). Now, this is a preventable disease. Take a PEEk at what you need to do:

Agile Approach
Walk up to utube and measure with the skill of a film director. Use index finger and thumb (both hands) in inverted L shapes to create an imaginary camera and capture utube in perspective. Align this with your general groin area with the same *camera* aping the guys who check the size of mitumba underwear by placing it on the trousers they are wearing and stretching it outwards. Then do the rugby thing. Three steps back: right foot back-joined by left foot, right foot back again-joined by left foot. Right foot back-joined by left foot. Then two steps sideways: left foot sideways-joined by right foot, left foot sideways again-joined by right foot. Pause. Then do the John Wilkinson crouch (body bent, arms together joined at elbows and wrists pointing upwards, feet together, butt out, head tilted slightly) as you concentrate intensely, furrowed brow, muscles taut. Imagine yourself one with utube and utube one with you. Murmur *you and the urinal, you and the urinal* until you reach the state of yourinal. Then its touch-pause-engage as you quickly saunter to utube and begin your doodling.

Now this is the important part:
(To be stored in your Pee Door File for reference and easy access at the door)
On com-pee-tion erm... completion, you need to disengage properly. Get on your tippy toes. Do a pelvic thrust forward like MJ/MC Hammer but hold forward. Shake twice left, once right, pause, twice right, once left, pause. Then up and down, diagonal, like it’s the Formula One (F1) chequered flag. Depending on whether fully done, some squeegee-like action may be necessary to extract modicums/modica. One last shake for posterity and you’re good to go (others have been known to use the coca-cola brrrrrrrrrr to valuable effect).

Ha-PEE???

safari SHAVENS - Day One

safari SHAVENS (Shorties looked so HeAVENly eiSh) – Day One
Got to love them, love them, love them! Haven’t missed them in 10 years. Even flew back to Nai from Jozi for 7s 2005. Took a week off for R&R, catching up with the fiancée and 7s hehehehe.
Man-One and Talin are in SA for the Confed Cup. Seems like they’ve done really well for themselves designing those pit latrines given they holidayed in Dubai less than a month back and both have bought new cars recently. Hmmmmm…. Guess ill be needing other company for 7s.
My Sistoh Ohhhh!
Anyway, Pounding Father (PF) calls me up asking whats the deal. We meet at Junction where we leave our rides and head off to Quins by taxi. Jayzas the queue is long! Anaconda-like long with more twists and turns than an Agatha Christie whodunit. Luckily my sis is there already and has a pal in the queue. I have a complimentary courtesy of my EABL classmate (who I have the hots for lakini she’s engaged) but PF needs to buy a ticket. My sis’ pal Voluptua Vizuri (VV) is there too with her other friend Pweety Pigmy (PP). VV is looking rather fetching in her combat outfit accentuating those curves. PP is also hot lkaini vile height is a challenge her msuri round ass is so low she looks like a Bunsen burner. Anyway, lack of height aint a problem if you indulge horizontally. Amewekewa “Wanted”. Sis gets PF tickets and in we go. Suspect one of the Askaris is a SideB vile he seems to be enjoying frisking jamaas a little too much!!!
Galitos Lays Down the Law
Inside we are greeted by some super-moto chiles in Cop outfits twololo I almost run towards them hands outstretched handcuff-style *Arrest me. Arrest me!* 7 years hard labour bila parole. Do me I do you er.. I mean, throw the book at me (preferably the Karma Sutra). The air is charged with passion and excitement. There are seriously hot mamisos in the joint (and bad ones too…) We catch Kenya sorting some miserable offenders on the pitch and then proceed to the Village. Walahi there is talent in Nairobi. Wameumbwa wakaumbika I unleash an Mbwa Mwitu howl…
Reminisce
I see former-fiancee Tawida and some other gal walking in. Gai she’s ivad vibaya. Yaani she was drop-dead gorgeous when I was with her lakini miracle of all miracles she looks so much hotter now. She flashes me that killer smile that used to take my breath away. Theres a distant, fleeting feeling of womuti (warmth) lakini it passes. Yenyewe Im over her. She comes and hugs me and is off after some polite banter.
Supulicious
Who’s that, Henny’s neice. Yeloyelo (YY) hot like fire, ur my desire, atiyatiya!! Tanktop, low rider jeans salale! Ame-wax so pay tax! She comes and gives my one of those tight hugs pressing her youthful pointed gazongas against my chest. I mutter under my breath, "Down simba, down." Naetin! Glad I have my tight ngothas and jeans on, so bulge is camouflaged… PF is turning green with envy. YY shrugs and gives him a limp handshake and before u know it her phone is ringing and she’s off bila goodbye. Aish, ma-youth watatumaliza! Lakini I notice she’s sagged low rider jeans na thong pia from behind. CRACKs me up I tell you!
PF is on Vodo and Wodo on the rocks. Soon he is stopping each and every mro that passes by. I pull my hyena move: wait for him to be successful with prey and then dash in for a huge bite off the buttock which I rush off to munch on, at a distant hidden corner :-)
The AfterParty
By now the Tusker Cans are having their way with me so we decide to vacate the premises having watched Kenya pulverise some other miserable offenders in the last match of the day. Next stop, Wendys/Maggys/Marys??? Some joint opposite Tacos in tao near Corner House. It has a chick’s name sijui Betty’s. Wathii wa Esssaaayyyide Eastlandoh inna de yard. Amazes me how many hot mamisos Eastlands produces. Gai they are looking nyummy! Half a beer as we indulge in eyecandy halafu its off to the Republic.
Im waiting for PF who dashed out to call his CFA (music is deafening). Two mzhum-zhums ask if they can join me at my table. Wuwi lambs to the slaughter. I indulge them. Pull the usual: indulge the less fly one in mob convo and sparingly talk to the fly one with loads of compliments with disclaimers (e.g.  my, you look hot though you also kinda look underage). Two drinks later wako readdyyy!!! Lakini ati one wants me to confirm I have stamina vile they don’t deal unless guaranteed they’ll get theirs. Wuwi ma-youth watatumaliza!!
So I ask for the kind of edivence (LOL) they want. One goes like si its dark in here so I can kagua mambos under the table we see if youre operating toothpick and/or ull mwaga ovyo (in not so many words). Shameless! But I like. And my fone is ringing off the hook. “Nani mwenzangu?” Its DeeDee. Now, DeeDee is girlfriend/wifey material. She’s a ka-long term investment and she’s looking for a polite drink with me as she’s just malizad watching an album launch at Tapas, Village Market. Sophisticated with intelligent conversation the works. Im weighing a ka3some hapa kiplanni vs deep vibe then home alone. I decide to go with… yeah… to be continued.

strawBELLY

strawBELLY (BEauty ako reaLLY down)

The other day we decided to have a few cold ones at Twamasha (hehehe – it seems this twitter talk is messing me up). Oh, you need to follow me here ----> http://twitter.com/milonare sawa? Anyway, so we decide to have a few cold ones on a Sunday evening at Tamasha as the jazz there is really tight! It’s me, Henny and ChairmanM. Having been recently through the dryer with Ching Ching Part 1, I am totally engrossed in my Tusker and the music. On that day, ChairmanM is surprisingly nil by mouth, very unlike him. I suspect his estranged wife is still giving him problems. Henny however is on the prowl! Now, it’s a known fact that whenever a hunter wanders off into the forest in search of prey, it pays to carry along with him a dead dik-dik. That way, if his efforts are fruitless, all he needs to do is to unleash his knife and start sawing away at the dik-dik, his meal guaranteed. Henny always refuses to heed this advice, 99.9999% of the time to his peril.

Pewa Mdongera (PM)

So there’s that ka-doorway from the inside of Tamasha to the outside section with the tum-small car park. The car park where the watchie behaves like those air-hostesses of first class. The ones who swing down the aisle amidst longing looks from economy passengers. They fika the boundary of first class and economy, look at economy guys like miserable offenders and then contemptuously draw the curtain shut, nzwwwiiiiiiip, condemning u to the misery of your economy seat. Yup, that ka-watchie does the same with the gate. The guy infront of you is opened for wide so that his AMG can glide into the parking. As u follow behind with your ka-battered Toyota, nzwwwiiiip, gate shut “Boss, kumejaa.” Aaaaargh!!!

But back to the point. The doorway between the inside and the outside area slash carpark is called Pewa Mdongera (PM) cause the chicks looking for loaded guys like to pose around there. Sure enough theres a PM over there looking sizzling wuwi! Sizzle ma-Nizzle!! Five foot 7ish, silky smooth skin, light colour, flat belly readily apparent from tight t-shirt, curvy backside in stark contrast to aforesaid belly. Curves emphasized more by the tight fitting jeans and high heels. Wuwi hata me I saw her, died and went into a state of nirvana!

Jisunde ChapChap (JCC)

So Henny does the usual. Approaches the gal and tells her ChairmanM would like to talk to her but is kinda shy. PM looks at ChairmanM those ones of “Kwani what kind of coward sends his pal?”. She then looks at Henny those ones of “At least this one is man enough to step up to me himself”. Henny is ndani and soon has the digits.

Two weeks later Im asking Henny how things are going and he’s like he calls her sometimes lakini she’s always giving excuses. Another two weeks later, same story. So Im like “Gimme the digits” and he obliges. So I call her up manwar-style and we have an interesting 15min convo. Seems gals like a guy who is interested but not really interested. Down but not really down. Cant understand them but hey, she agrees to a date.

Saidieko Straw (SS)

So the gal shows up at…. Wait for it…. The Republic aka Kichinjio LOL! I see she’s brought back-up but after a few minutes chit-chat backup is dismissed. Hmmm, seems things will be woop woof! But…. She orders for a Tusker, a glass and a straw. Surely, at my ka-local, in full view of kila-mtu-everyone! Halafu, that ka-hairstyle. Tum-lines with a weird side weave thingy/patch/thingabob. Looks like a giant housefly buzzing next to her ear. Infact, I see some cobwebs huko near the ceiling and almost want to grab her by the legs and use the thingy to clean the webs…

We are chit-chatting and having a ball but my eyes keep getting drawn to that hair-thingy, in some hypnotic Indian fakir “you-are-under-my-spell” kind of way. Aaargh!

Needless to say, the night ends abruptly that day.

Nakumatt Approach (NA)

So I get a call from the chick a few days later: “Milo swty. How u? Imagine ur not a gentleman” So Im wondering wassup but not info forthcoming. Eventually she’s like: “By the way, I just finished my shopping at Nakumatt. Si u come pay my bill?” I inform her that Im fine given my Uchumi shopping was done the day before. She hangs up the phone:))

CIAO?

Can I Actually move On?

*Strict warning that this isnt one of my usual teeheehee posts. If ur expecting that stop reading now!!!*

Yup! Guess so. Simply delete the number and all other evidence a la my good friend Archer (call log, texts etc). Works like a miracle because the drama queen always causes when I dont text or call back but she specializes in the same.

Wont lie that she wasnt special to me. Wont lie that Im kinda hurting. But Ive been there be4 and know that now's the time to run!!

Subject

My nusu Rwandese Gal. Knew it was too early to call it and calling it would jinx it. Yup, it did! Mixed feelings coz she was getting me to do things I hadnt done in years and that scared me. Ive grown to be wary of missing someone Im not sure is missing me back. Thinking about someone Im not sure is thinking about me. Warm Tusker (er... hate that period, not wary of it).

Body

So she was like a few months out of a relationship. Knew there was danger but soldiered on. Had been enjoying my single life till she came and messed it all up. The biggest blessing in all this is that she had a situation where she had to make a choice and at the end of it Id know either way. Went to meet her today. My immediate former failure to reply texts and calls had elicited her rage.Thought it was a good sign. Shock on me!

Cool and calm like a Nameless cucumber (shoshomba) she tells me that she's back with her ex. Ati she gave me many chances that I didnt take. As she started to enumerate them I cut her short and told her that when Nadal loses to Federer, last thing he wants to hear from the umpire is the reasons why he lost (in not so many words).

Thank goodness Barca hammered ManU. The disappointments tonight would have been unbearable...

So can I? Yup. Will take me some time but yup! :)

CHING CHING (Part 1)

CHIck’s got to be jokiNG, CHIck’s got to be smokiNG

Being single in Nairobi rocks!!! I must say Nairobi has nice ladies: fun, hot, exciting, mysterious etc. But it has its fair share of bad ones too. Take for example:

Mama-Makaa

Some time last year we were hanging out at our usual spot at the Republic. Upstairs with beer flowing. In attendance were Man-One, the The-The, ChifB AKA Pounding Father of the Nation, ChairmanM AKA Sexy Gates, Henny and Milo. Man-One was stressing the need for a chick’s soundtrack to accompany the Lungula activity which he fondly refers to as Nyung’unyaing. Now, its been rumoured that Man-One is fully equipped to the extent that he has been nicknamed Dangling Fury, Mjoloba Business and Mizigo amongst other names by his former clients. So he was describing his escapades with a village gal the last time he was in shags. The part that got us was the soundtrack once the activities had began:

• Man-One: *Grunts, Huffs, Puffs*
• Villager: *at the top of her shrill voice* “Monster! Farasi! Dume!
• Man-One: *mixed sounds of neighing, braying and mooing*
• Villager: “Destroy me! Finish me! Murder me!”

This has all us boys laughing our heads off to the extent Henny falls over and spills the cocktail of the gal at the next table. But Henny is a Kamikaze, king of suicides. Within minutes he is indulging the gal in convo and she invites him to join her as she awaits her pal. Given my knowledge that Henny is also a pace-setter (starts way ahead of the pack and never finishes the race), I give him the signal and he gets me to join them at the table. The rest of the crew look at us the very same way guys of Sohos downstairs look at guys of Sohos upstairs (a look of severe longing). The next item in the agenda is the pairing. Henny is having some beef because the current gal (hereafter called Squeezy) is hot but she claims that her pal is hotter. Now, whenever a gal says that, expect her pal to be a Dikwonkwo on the Ngwound (Archer, 2006). Given his dilly dallying I decide to take the bold step and start squeezing in my points. A few minutes later Henny’s face really brightens up. The gal that joins us is smoking hot! My Goinoka, molten lava fresh from the volcano, that gal is hot! I kick myself internally but what the heck. Win some, lose some. New gal is introduced as Mama-Makaa (MM). How appropriate given that she’s smoking hot but also that she smokes like a chimney. So MM starts up complaining about the joint, the service and everything under the sun. I laugh internally. Henny winces and his shoulders start to hunch. He is in for a long night.

Anyways, as (mis)fortune would have it, by the end of the night MM and Milo have hit it off, Henny and Squeezy are rapidly proceeding towards destination LJBF (Lets Just Be Friends). Numbers are exchanged and a future date with MM is set.

Hell Date

First, she comes late. This in the midst of several texts sijui “10 mins away”, “almost thea Swty” blah blah. Milo’s getting worked up but in usual guy-fashion I remember how hot she is and cool down. Then, she shows up with a pal!!!!! (Lets call the pal TAC ie Three’s a crowd). Now, I have no beef with a gal bringing a pal along so long as I have advance warning so I can also bring back-up. I control myself. “Imagine Sweetie my pal had to come along because her boyfie is held up somewhere. He’ll soon come over to pick her.” So I think to myself “Ok, Ok. At least she recognises that it's our date and not a gathering.” I hit the “patience pays” button a chillax entertaining the gals. Before long MM is stroking my arm, leaning over and resting her head on my chest, running her fingers through my hair er… on my clean-shaven scalp LOL! But that’s the calm before the storm! Yaani when TAC’s boyfie checks in even the temperature in the club changes. Monsoon winds seem to be blowing. The guy is the size of Papa Bouba Diop (PBD)! Halafu, my date MM is the one jumping all over him. How now? Now why? Then… Instead of picking TAC and bouncing, dude enskwonces (Archer again) himself comfortably with us, no hurry in Africa. Next thing, MM disappears and so does PBD. Im left there vybin TAC. I head to the loo and bump into them on the way. MM is busy doing the Tootsie Roll on PBD. Assi! My big mouth gets me in trouble as I let my erm reservations be known. PBD gets mad and approaches Milo menacingly. Before he can rearrange me my bouncer pals are on him. He is politely evicted from the club. TAC has to follow and of course MM follows them but not before giving me a severe tongue lashing. Whateva!

Lie Low Like an Envelope

So I don’t call for like a month or so. Works like a charm cause when I send a tentative text the reply is “Av not forgiven u but you’re lucky m still talking to you”. Ching ching! This time round the date goes well and chicka ingias bosk! So we have an interesting time together over the next month or so until the texts start.

1. “Babes we’ve not done something nice in a while. I suggest we do dinner”. She shows up for dinner with two of her pals.
2. “Boo, please join me for a drink after class? Av misd u.” Find her with a bill for herself and her pal from the past 3 hours of drinking.
3. “Milo, Swty, Imajin m sooo broke. Si u do something?”. I write back “Ok Babes, I sympathize”. MM sends an angry reply “Not that!! M talking Benjamins here!” Ok. Now who is Benjamin? LOL! I write back explaining that I’m not her father to be sending pocket money. Silence…

She shows up at my local in the arms of another man the next weekend.

Na bado…

SAUTE potatoes

Sweet And Unusually Tasty English potatoes

Been a year and two months since I last blogged. My blog mojo death began as soon as I landed at JKIA from Jozi and rediscovered why I love Nairobi regardless.

I have peculiar eating habits. I had spaghetti for breakfast, a sumptuous Ugali lunch and I've just finished consuming some delicious chicken kienyeji with Saute(d) potatoes. Where I got the will and energy to cook at this ungodly hour I'd be at pains to explain...

Anyway, I wonder why I decided to blog today? Lets see:

• Could be that my company has landed its biggest contract to date and I'm over the moon... OR
• Maybe its this half-Rwandese gal that's got me at sixes and sevens about what I feel
  

Either way, I feel I'm at crossroads and need an avenue to vent/release/talk to myself.

A lot has happened since I got back in 2006:

• I finally got over my galfriend of 5 years (fiance of the last of those years). We are now friends. Took me a year of avoiding her to get there but gladly that worked out swell.
• Met a one-in-a-lifetime type of gal. Totally messed up on that one and still trying to mend fences enough to be friends. She's one of those keepers even if it's just simply as friends.
• Got hired in one of those blue-chip companies as part of senior management. Got fired soon thereafter for being "a genius that refused to be tamed" KM, 2009.
• Back in school doing my MBA. Love it, love it, love it!!! A year and a half down the line and the effects are amazing. And the contracts I've been able to land, eish!!!
• Then there's my half-Rwandese gal. A bit too early to make a call on that one but boy, oh boy, Im in for an interesting ride. Lets see how that goes.

Anyway, let me organize my thoughts and address the above (and much more) as a series of posts. Lets hope the mojo survives long enough for me to do exactly that.